First attempt at comedy, a few years ago

PARIVAR [If FRIENDS were aired on Star Plus]

One of the most popular TV shows among the youth today is Kioun ki Saas…oh sorry (what am I thinking?) FRIENDS. For those who are not familiar with this program… please don’t bother reading any further.

Anyway, so what will be the changes made on our favorite show once it is aired on Indian satellite television? The name, for starters, cannot be retained; it has to be something in pure Hindi. As you might have guessed from the title, it will be called “PARIVAR;” and as the name suggests, it will be based, not on six friends hanging out together, but on six members of a joint family. So where do these six people stay? No, definitely not in a couple of adjoining apartments, you cannot expect one of the biggest business tycoons of India to be living in flats!!! So they’ll probably be living in this huge mansion called “Sampur Jeevan” or something else in unpronounceable Hindi. Next comes the title song. This one should be sung by a girl and should be based on the importance of “Rishtay.” Our Rachel counterpart will be introducing us to the rest of the family members while this song is being played in the background.

Coming to the individual characters now:

-Phoebe: Phoebe will be a tomboy, who’ll have contacts in the underworld. She will be dressed in jeans, an untucked shirt and a cap. Her vocabulary will include words like “Bindas,” “Jhakas,” “Sala” and others not appropriate for printing here. She will carry a hockey stick with her whenever she has to attend a “Lafda.”

-Ross: Ross will be the business tycoon in our serial and will be dressed in a suit most of the time. Approaching his late fifties and with his son; Ben in his mid twenties and married; Ross, a divorcee for the last twenty years will be considering remarriage to end his “akelapan.”

-Chandler: Chandler will be Ross’s evil brother-in-law. He will always be looking for ways to swindle money out of Ross (who he’ll be calling Jeeja Jee) or any other family member.

-Monica: Monica will be Chandler’s evil wife and Ross’s sister. She will help her husband in his evil plans and will also prevent any suspicion from falling on him whenever any money is missing. She will be dressed in a sari with a sleeveless blouse and wearing a complete jewellery and cosmetic shop.

-Rachel: Rachel will be the typical “Bhabhi Maa or Bari Maa” in this serial. She will be Ross’s ex-wife and while she will be caring for all the rest of the family, everybody else will be trying their level best to hurt her in anyway possible. She will be constantly at loggerheads with Monica, who will somehow manage to but the blame of all her husband’s schemes on poor Rachel. In fact Monica is the one who has caused Rachel and Ross to get divorced. Rachel will be dressed in a Banarasi Sari (Yes she will sleep in it too) and will look half her actual age.

-Joey: Joey will be Ross’s innocent, but comical, little bother. He will be Phoebe’s boyfriend (Yes he’s twenty years younger than Ross, got a problem with that?). Joey will be constantly using Phoebe’s contacts with the underworld to somehow blackmail Chandler and Monica into admitting their crimes so that Ross and Rachel can get back together.

Well that was all from this episode of Parivar. Don’t forget to tune into Star Plus at prime time tomorrow to see IF the story has progressed at all!!!

Something I once worte for someone who isn't there anymore

AN ENVIRONMENTALIST’S LOVE SONG

By Umair Ishaq Khan

Standing there so firm and tall,

Was once my heavenly doll;

She was there for me through rain and shine,

She belonged to me, I called her mine;

Dressed in green in all her majesty,

She was more beautiful than anything could be;

I talked to her whenever I was sad,

She was a patient listener and never made me feel bad;

Now she’s gone I don’t know where,

As I stand so lonely here;

They said she’ll be back within a year or two,

But till then, what am I to do?

A little one stands now in her place,

But in my heart she can never be replaced;

How could they be so utterly mean?

To cut down a tree so innocently green.

My first try at poetry

NOVEMBER (The Days of My Youth)

Golden brown leaves glow under the cool sun,

The tree that shed them stands almost bare and undone;

Birds in multitudes fly towards the welcoming south,

With music like honey dripping from their ever-cheerful mouths;

Cold winter awaits the departure of the cool autumn,

As the stubborn season changer beats his fateful drum;

As each day dawns with the absence of heat,

The early morning fog makes the soil smell sweet;

As I await the impending arrival of the vain December,

I wonder why I should ever let go this sweet November.

A story in verse

AIN’T LIFE GRAND?

By Umair Ishaq Khan

For those who think their lives are damned,

Let me tell you there was once this man;

Filthy rich, he had everything that money could buy,

Still, thinking of his existence made him break down and cry;

What was he hiding in the vestiges of his broken heart,

Of which no one alive could be made a part?

Everyone could see and envy his immense wealth,

But what was behind this expensive black suit, no one could tell;

Even his servants who called his house home,

Never saw him in his study crying alone;

I first met him at an international convention,

And gathered there were many from our profession;

By pure coincidence, I saw in his eyes that no one could see,

And right then I knew that to end his troubles, God had sent me;

To talk to him I had to ask him for a ride,

Ironically I was going to be his guide;

On reaching our hotel I invited him to my room,

Mainly to know the cause of his gloom;

He immediately accepted, I don’t know how,

I think he had finally found a companion now;

We went inside and lit cigars,

To get him to talk, I didn’t have to go far;

I guess he was looking for someone to talk,

His heart was a stone, but not yet a rock;

Now comes the story that might bring tears to some eyes,

And clear the misconception that only the weaker sex cries;

It had all happened some ten years ago,

He was a famous doctor, but of it he never made a show;

People all around the world had heard of his success,

But one day he encountered failure even though he tried his best;

There on the operation table lay the limp carcass of none other,

Than someone he loved the most, his very own mother;

Dumped by his fiancé and disowned by his family,

He tried in vain to convince them, he was no magician after all he was only thirty;

He had never talked to them ever since,

He continued his practice but it was only pretence;

It was now time for me to play my part,

I had to end his gloom and free his heart;

I thanked God for granting me the power of persuasion,

I immediately knew how to handle the situation;

I somehow convinced him to call home there and then,

He finally did and we found out that they were as lonely as he was without them;

His fiancé had never married these ten years,

This fact alone made him overcome all his haunting fears;

Happy as a lark, he could laugh out loud again,

That night despair had lost and only hope reigned;

We boarded the first flight and headed straight for his home,

Both of us knew now that he will never be alone;

So all of you out there get up and take a stand,

After all my friends, ain’t life grand?

My personal favourite self created poetic work

WHAT’S IN YOUR HEAD?

By Umair Ishaq Khan

Why do you sit so lonely here?

Do you really think that no one cares?

It is a fact that we are all born alone,

But isn’t there anyone you can call your own?

Wounds get worse if left unattended,

Look out your draped window, life hasn’t ended;

You have much to look forward to, don’t give up yet,

There are many joys in life you haven’t met;

Take a chance on me, I might be of help,

And give you the warmth you never felt;

Speak up now, there’s nothing I haven’t heard,

No one will ever know, I give you my word;

I might not see life as you see it,

But sharing with me won’t hurt a bit;

Rest assured I’ll try my best,

To take this load right off your chest;

Of your troubles, you can make me a part,

The peace you couldn’t find in your own, might lie in my heart;

I know it’s hard to trust your luck now,

That His blessings on you God will ever bestow;

But sooner or later you will realize,

That the joys of the world will one day shine in your eyes;

It pains me to know that your whole life,

Was just one never ending strife;

But now all my time is just for you,

To make up for everything that I could never do;

I’m sorry I was never there for you, my son,

But I was only earning for you, what could I have done?


Today, as my car collided with that truck,

I prayed to God for just one last turn of luck;

Now that I can never get off this bed,

Please son, tell me what’s in your head!